I am going to start posting random stupid stories on this site. Some of you might like it; some of you might not. But I think I am going to keep doing it because I love writing really dumb stories. So here is the first chapter (or whatever you call it). After you read it, feel free to leave me comments and random suggestions, such as “bananas!”, “pirates!”, “I am so sick of this toast and cannot even believe that it’s not butter!” and I just might include them somehow in the next story. Now, the story:
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Bendan, there was a king named King Shagua. King Shagua was married to a Queen but day after day she wanted to talk about philosophy and the meaning of life. The King was very annoyed because he could not keep up with the conversation. One day, he heard the Queen and his Chief of Philosophy discuss global economy and social issues. When he tried to pretend to be interested in the conversation, he said, “Is global economy all about the sale of snow globes?” The Queen and the Chief of Philosophy both bursted out laughing for ten minutes straight. Feeling deeply insulted, the King banished the two upon the eleventh minute. They were still laughing as the Prime Minister escort them out. You see, the Prime Minister was the King’s former bodyguard and still acted as the bouncer for the King’s mighty castle. He was loyal to the King and helped kick out whoever the King did not like.
The King was now lonely at night because he had nobody to talk to. So he asked his Prime Minister to bring him a new girl. Unfortunately, the girl wanted to talk about poetry which the King had no interest, no desire, and no capability of understanding. The King banished her the next morning. The Prime Minister brought another girl the next day, but all she wanted to talk about were the arts, you know, like how the arts was the way people existed through their senses in this world and so on. The King would not hear any of it and banished her as well. Night after night, the girls came in to talk to the King, but unfortunately all the girls talked about intellectual topics that he did not understand. They were all banished. This gave the Prime Minister a prime headache.
The Prime Minister had two daughters, Jane and Violet. Jane was well-read in all kinds of classics and world literature, and knew a wealth of stories. Violet was quite well-read in the literature of the Berenstain Bears, as she was much younger. When Jane heard about her dad’s dilemma, she said, “Send me to the King.” The Prime Minister was like, “What? Are you crazy? You are going to get banished and we’ll have to pay out-of-state tuition. Oh hell no.” But then, Jane insisted. She whined and whined and whined, so the Prime Minister said, “Okay, okay, do what you want.” So she was sent to the King. Before she went, she told her sister, “Make sure that you join me on web cam tonight, and ask me to tell you stories.” Violet agreed and they huggled goodbye.
At night, the King wanted to talk about dinner tables while Jane wanted to talk about the multiplication table and periodic table, because she was intellectual like that. This was when Violet contacted Jane by video conference on the royal laptop. “Hey sis, would you tell me a story?” Jane knew this was her chance to tell stories that the King would like. Of course, she needed to stop herself from telling Shakespearian stories where everyone killed one another at the end because it would easily confuse the King and be too likely for her to slip into a discussion of the meaning of life, literary themes, and all the melancholy of everything. She knew she would have to tell stupid stories.
“But my dear King, I have a request first,” she said.
“What would you like?” asked the King.
“I would like to have a sign that says ‘Story Time with Jane’ and it would be fabulous. I’ll make the sign and we’ll frame it and put it on the wall.”
“But I can’t find a frame that fits it.”
“That’s easy,” she said, “I just need to glue four bamboo skewers to the four sides and put plastic wrap on top instead of using glass.”
“Okay, do it. But what a stupid framing device!” The King laughed.
Jane knew for sure now that the King dug stupid. So she must tell a stupid story or put stupid elements into a regular story. So here it goes.
“My King,” she started, “today’s story is about the _____ and ______.”
Request For Comments:
And this is where I ask for suggestions:
1. What better title can I use in place of the working title “One Thousand and One Nights of Stupid Stories?”
2. What random objects (banana?), characters (pirates?), quotes (“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I am all out of gum”?) should appear in the story?
You shout random things out, and I’ll pick some and use them in the next installment.
3. Do you feel insulted by this story because it’s too dumb?
More stories from this series:
Play Him Off