This story is part of the One Thousand and One Nights of Stupidity Series, a series of stories that insult people’s intelligeance. Visit this link for the premise of the story and other installments.
Jane fired up the royal video conference software on the royal laptop. Joining her on the other side of the royal internet, was her sister Violet (who was not royal, but sometimes a royal pain in the ass).
“Hey sis, would you tell me a story?” said Violet.
“Of course!” said Jane. “But, I need to ask the Dear King first.”
“Oh, go right ahead!” cried King Shagua, “I love stories, especially if there are talking animals in them!”
“Then you are going to like this one,” said Jane. “This, is a story about a talking cat.”
A Cat was walking along a forest path while carrying a piano. An Elephant saw that and got really curious.
“Hey, Cat, why are you carrying a piano?” asked the Elephant.
“Oh, I am looking for a good place to play,” said the Cat. “Ah, that’s a good spot.”
The Cat put down the piano, and started playing a beautiful melody. Very soon, animals started joining in. The birds went chirp chirp, the frogs went ribbit ribbit, and the road runners went meep meep. It was heavenly. Heck, even the sharks swam up the river to listen to this beautiful music. When the song was over, the animals clapped and the Cat took a bow.
“Thank you, thank you,” said the Cat, “I hope my music makes this world a better place.”
“Oh, it sure did,” said the Elephant, “What inspired you to do this?”
“Ah, it was a long story,” answered the Cat, “As you all know, cats have nine lives. After I spent the first several lives playing with balls of yarn and can has cheese burgers, I got really bored and started wondering… can there be more? Can I do more? So, I started making a list of things that I want to do.”
“That helped a lot, huh?” asked the Elephant.
“Oh yeah. Using that list, I sorted out all my priorities and decided to take actions to make this world a better place. I still have that list on my wall. I call it my cat-a-list.”
The Cat went on to explain all those things he had done:
In the next life, he was an organizer. There used to be no system of organizing information. The Cat came up with ways of indexing information and carving it on a log. The system worked so well that people decided to call it a “cat-a-log”.
In the life after that, the Cat made the world a better place by becoming a chef. People used to have no idea what to put on their hot dogs and fries. The Cat saw this and decided to take a bunch of tomatoes and chop them up. And then he added salt and spices to it. The resulted sauce was delicious on hot dogs and fries. People loved it so much that they named it “cat-chop”.
After that, he decided to become a scientist. He made a discovery that’s so important that people named it after him. And that was where the term “cat-ion” came from.
He was still not satisfied, so he went into medical research hoping to help more people. And that was why he invented the “cat scan”.
“However, in this life, I decided that I could help even more people by playing music,” said the Cat.
“But what’s so special about that?” The Fox was skeptical. “I could’ve just listened to a CD or something.”
“Oh, music has the most impact when they are played at the right time in real-life events.” explained the Cat.
“Can you give me an example?’ Damn that Fox, always so skeptical.
The Cat was about to answer but was interrupted when the Hippo started hiccuping. This was very awkward! The animals were all staring at the Hippo, and nobody said a word. Yep, shouldn’t have drunk all that soda pop.
“Watch this,” said the Cat.
He started playing a tune on the piano. It was upbeat and catchy, and everyone started clapping their hands (or feet, or paws, or fins) together. Everyone was having so much fun and the Hippo felt so much more at ease, and guess what, his hiccups stopped.
“Wow, that was amazing,” said the Fox, “but could that have been a fluke?”
Suddenly there was a loud thud. Everyone looked around and realized that it was an owl that fell to the ground. Apparently, he stayed up all night and accidentally fell off the tree because he was too sleepy.
“Aw, it hurts,” cried the Owl.
“No worries,” said the Cat, “I’ll help you out.”
The Cat started playing again. The Owl stretched his wings, and flied back into the tree again. As that was happening, people were cheering.
“Play him off! Play him off!” Everyone happily chanted.
The Fox was now convinced. Who knew that a cat playing a piano could make all the tension, awkwardness, and pain go away just like that? The Cat smiled and bowed. He knew that his music had indeed made a difference, even though this time, nobody could think of a cat-related pun to name something after him.
“I am inspired!” said Violet, “I want to become a musician and help people!”
“But the story is not over yet,” said Jane. “There’s this last part of the story.”
As everyone was happily celebrating the gift of music, a meteor fell from the sky. It hit the piano and made the piano explode. It was so sudden. Nobody could believe their eyes. They just stood there and stared at the piano that was no more.
Not a sound. Not a word. It was silent, and awkward.
Too bad there’s no one to play him off now.
“What a stupid ending!” said the King.
“You know what? I agree.” said Jane.
This story was partially based on Michelle‘s suggestions from the last story. Likewise, you can leave random ideas in the comments section of this post and I just might work them into the next story!