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Puppet Kaos - where Kelvin Kao plays with puppets and tell random stories

One Thousand and One Nights of Stupidity: Play Him Off

This story is part of the One Thousand and One Nights of Stupidity Series, a series of stories that insult people’s intelligeance. Visit this link for the premise of the story and other installments.

Jane fired up the royal video conference software on the royal laptop. Joining her on the other side of the royal internet, was her sister Violet (who was not royal, but sometimes a royal pain in the ass).

“Hey sis, would you tell me a story?” said Violet.
“Of course!” said Jane. “But, I need to ask the Dear King first.”
“Oh, go right ahead!” cried King Shagua, “I love stories, especially if there are talking animals in them!”
“Then you are going to like this one,” said Jane. “This, is a story about a talking cat.”


A Cat was walking along a forest path while carrying a piano. An Elephant saw that and got really curious.

“Hey, Cat, why are you carrying a piano?” asked the Elephant.
“Oh, I am looking for a good place to play,” said the Cat. “Ah, that’s a good spot.”

The Cat put down the piano, and started playing a beautiful melody. Very soon, animals started joining in. The birds went chirp chirp, the frogs went ribbit ribbit, and the road runners went meep meep. It was heavenly. Heck, even the sharks swam up the river to listen to this beautiful music. When the song was over, the animals clapped and the Cat took a bow.

“Thank you, thank you,” said the Cat, “I hope my music makes this world a better place.”
“Oh, it sure did,” said the Elephant, “What inspired you to do this?”
“Ah, it was a long story,” answered the Cat, “As you all know, cats have nine lives. After I spent the first several lives playing with balls of yarn and can has cheese burgers, I got really bored and started wondering… can there be more? Can I do more? So, I started making a list of things that I want to do.”
“That helped a lot, huh?” asked the Elephant.
“Oh yeah. Using that list, I sorted out all my priorities and decided to take actions to make this world a better place. I still have that list on my wall. I call it my cat-a-list.”

The Cat went on to explain all those things he had done:

In the next life, he was an organizer. There used to be no system of organizing information. The Cat came up with ways of indexing information and carving it on a log. The system worked so well that people decided to call it a “cat-a-log”.

In the life after that, the Cat made the world a better place by becoming a chef. People used to have no idea what to put on their hot dogs and fries. The Cat saw this and decided to take a bunch of tomatoes and chop them up. And then he added salt and spices to it. The resulted sauce was delicious on hot dogs and fries. People loved it so much that they named it “cat-chop”.

After that, he decided to become a scientist. He made a discovery that’s so important that people named it after him. And that was where the term “cat-ion” came from.

He was still not satisfied, so he went into medical research hoping to help more people. And that was why he invented the “cat scan”.

“However, in this life, I decided that I could help even more people by playing music,” said the Cat.
“But what’s so special about that?” The Fox was skeptical. “I could’ve just listened to a CD or something.”
“Oh, music has the most impact when they are played at the right time in real-life events.” explained the Cat.
“Can you give me an example?’ Damn that Fox, always so skeptical.

The Cat was about to answer but was interrupted when the Hippo started hiccuping. This was very awkward! The animals were all staring at the Hippo, and nobody said a word. Yep, shouldn’t have drunk all that soda pop.

“Watch this,” said the Cat.

He started playing a tune on the piano. It was upbeat and catchy, and everyone started clapping their hands (or feet, or paws, or fins) together. Everyone was having so much fun and the Hippo felt so much more at ease, and guess what, his hiccups stopped.

“Wow, that was amazing,” said the Fox, “but could that have been a fluke?”

Suddenly there was a loud thud. Everyone looked around and realized that it was an owl that fell to the ground. Apparently, he stayed up all night and accidentally fell off the tree because he was too sleepy.

“Aw, it hurts,” cried the Owl.
“No worries,” said the Cat, “I’ll help you out.”

The Cat started playing again. The Owl stretched his wings, and flied back into the tree again. As that was happening, people were cheering.

“Play him off! Play him off!” Everyone happily chanted.

The Fox was now convinced. Who knew that a cat playing a piano could make all the tension, awkwardness, and pain go away just like that? The Cat smiled and bowed. He knew that his music had indeed made a difference, even though this time, nobody could think of a cat-related pun to name something after him.


“I am inspired!” said Violet, “I want to become a musician and help people!”
“But the story is not over yet,” said Jane. “There’s this last part of the story.”


As everyone was happily celebrating the gift of music, a meteor fell from the sky. It hit the piano and made the piano explode. It was so sudden. Nobody could believe their eyes. They just stood there and stared at the piano that was no more.

Not a sound. Not a word. It was silent, and awkward.

Hm.

Too bad there’s no one to play him off now.


“What a stupid ending!” said the King.
“You know what? I agree.” said Jane.

This story was partially based on Michelle‘s suggestions from the last story. Likewise, you can leave random ideas in the comments section of this post and I just might work them into the next story!

Friendster Messages from Quintuplets!

Once upon a time, there was no Facebook. Yep, you heard me right. I was there.

Back then, the only way to connect to each other (as in, having a public page listing all your friends) is to create a Xanga or LiveJournal. Yep, that’s right. People had to create blogs for that. If you wanted to know what the others are doing, you subscribe to their blogs, and you read them.

Everything changed when Friendster came around.

Friendster was amazing. All you had to do was create a profile. You would fill out all these information about yourself. You could add your friends and stay connected wherever you were. And you could post pictures too! Amazing! I signed up for one too.

I no longer use it though, not since Facebook… but today, I got an email saying there was a message for me. I logged in, and holy cow, there were so many messages for me! Man, think about it… all these strangers wanted to be friends with me! I found something bizarre when I looked at the first page though: they all looked the same!

quint

Yep, I got messages from Cecilia, Grace, Shelia, Pansy, and Ofelia. They all looked the same! They had the same face, and they all had the same facial expression and pose when they had their profile pictures taken from the same angle. I did not know quintuplets could be so similar! I read their profiles some more, and apparently they all had the same qualities. All five of them were kind, warm, nonjudgmental, fun, attractive, free spirited woman lol. They all loved to be outdoors, enjoying the sun, listening to the birds and smelling the fresh air. And apparently, all five of them were always open to new experiences and adventure, whether it’s as quiet as a sunset or as wild as I please. Can you believe it?

Oh, and they all wanted me to visit this website. I loved it when people shared interesting links with me.

And then I looked at their pictures. They were all beautiful (but not in their own ways) and they all had huge boobs (so that’s ten boobs, for you mathematically challenged). I thought about it. Yeah, I guess I could handle twins, or triplets, but quintuplets? That’s simply too many! I am going to get so confused and I don’t like confusion!

I hit delete.

One Thousand and One Nights of Stupidity

I am going to start posting random stupid stories on this site. Some of you might like it; some of you might not. But I think I am going to keep doing it because I love writing really dumb stories. So here is the first chapter (or whatever you call it). After you read it, feel free to leave me comments and random suggestions, such as “bananas!”, “pirates!”, “I am so sick of this toast and cannot even believe that it’s not butter!” and I just might include them somehow in the next story. Now, the story:


Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Bendan, there was a king named King Shagua. King Shagua was married to a Queen but day after day she wanted to talk about philosophy and the meaning of life. The King was very annoyed because he could not keep up with the conversation. One day, he heard the Queen and his Chief of Philosophy discuss global economy and social issues. When he tried to pretend to be interested in the conversation, he said, “Is global economy all about the sale of snow globes?” The Queen and the Chief of Philosophy both bursted out laughing for ten minutes straight. Feeling deeply insulted, the King banished the two upon the eleventh minute. They were still laughing as the Prime Minister escort them out. You see, the Prime Minister was the King’s former bodyguard and still acted as the bouncer for the King’s mighty castle. He was loyal to the King and helped kick out whoever the King did not like.

The King was now lonely at night because he had nobody to talk to. So he asked his Prime Minister to bring him a new girl. Unfortunately, the girl wanted to talk about poetry which the King had no interest, no desire, and no capability of understanding. The King banished her the next morning. The Prime Minister brought another girl the next day, but all she wanted to talk about were the arts, you know, like how the arts was the way people existed through their senses in this world and so on. The King would not hear any of it and banished her as well. Night after night, the girls came in to talk to the King, but unfortunately all the girls talked about intellectual topics that he did not understand. They were all banished. This gave the Prime Minister a prime headache.

The Prime Minister had two daughters, Jane and Violet. Jane was well-read in all kinds of classics and world literature, and knew a wealth of stories. Violet was quite well-read in the literature of the Berenstain Bears, as she was much younger. When Jane heard about her dad’s dilemma, she said, “Send me to the King.” The Prime Minister was like, “What? Are you crazy? You are going to get banished and we’ll have to pay out-of-state tuition. Oh hell no.” But then, Jane insisted. She whined and whined and whined, so the Prime Minister said, “Okay, okay, do what you want.” So she was sent to the King. Before she went, she told her sister, “Make sure that you join me on web cam tonight, and ask me to tell you stories.” Violet agreed and they huggled goodbye.

At night, the King wanted to talk about dinner tables while Jane wanted to talk about the multiplication table and periodic table, because she was intellectual like that. This was when Violet contacted Jane by video conference on the royal laptop. “Hey sis, would you tell me a story?” Jane knew this was her chance to tell stories that the King would like. Of course, she needed to stop herself from telling Shakespearian stories where everyone killed one another at the end because it would easily confuse the King and be too likely for her to slip into a discussion of the meaning of life, literary themes, and all the melancholy of everything. She knew she would have to tell stupid stories.

“But my dear King, I have a request first,” she said.
“What would you like?” asked the King.
“I would like to have a sign that says ‘Story Time with Jane’ and it would be fabulous. I’ll make the sign and we’ll frame it and put it on the wall.”
“But I can’t find a frame that fits it.”
“That’s easy,” she said, “I just need to glue four bamboo skewers to the four sides and put plastic wrap on top instead of using glass.”
“Okay, do it. But what a stupid framing device!” The King laughed.

Jane knew for sure now that the King dug stupid. So she must tell a stupid story or put stupid elements into a regular story. So here it goes.
“My King,” she started, “today’s story is about the _____ and ______.”


Request For Comments:
And this is where I ask for suggestions:
1. What better title can I use in place of the working title “One Thousand and One Nights of Stupid Stories?”
2. What random objects (banana?), characters (pirates?), quotes (“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I am all out of gum”?) should appear in the story?
You shout random things out, and I’ll pick some and use them in the next installment.
3. Do you feel insulted by this story because it’s too dumb?

More stories from this series:
Play Him Off
Sledgehammer

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